Episode 4: Anticipation of New Life (Part 4): Waiting for one life and missing the other…

The wheel of time rolled on so fast. Manasa was at her parents’ home at Bengaluru. It is customary in India that the final few months before delivery should be spent by an anticipating mother at her parents’ home. It is not that the husband or his home cannot take care of her or not that her parents can take better care but it is more customary. The choice now a day’s more over depends on where the woman feels more comfortable to deliver her baby. Most of the Indian would-be-mother’s would prefer to be at their parents home rather than at husbands home because the customs and traditions have been inherited along with evolution. In one way it is also correct. There is no replacement for a father and mother and her home is a comfort zone where she feels more protected, more cared. She gets another chance to spend quality time with her parents and can get more rest, physically, mentally and all ways. At husbands place she is duty bound and she is driven by her internal forces to be mechanical, though nobody insists her to do so. The parents of the bride too gets to garnish and fertilize their old memories. Moreover the parents of the bride would consider it a honour to take their daughter home and send her back with the 3^rd generation.

Though the parents-in-law would have sincerely put their heels over head to be parently to their daughter-in-law and would have taken more care and would have provided better conditions than parents, when it comes to choices the women would still prefer her parents because the roots are connected to that part of relation. The toughest part even today (in modern India also) is for the Husband or Parents in law of the bride to convince her and her parents that they are no aliens. It is one of the life time projects of an Indian husband which will never be accomplished. He is busy in giving acid tests every now and then amidst all the circus of life.

As per Indian customs (may be everywhere in the world) the bride goes to the husbands home and makes it a home of hers. But India has changed a lot with evolution. Now too it is the same but the condition is that the home should be devoid of parents-in-law (law not applicable for the bride and her parents). The parents of the groom are now a day’s called “the forgotten and ignored tribe”. In India it was always that a girl child was not needed or aborted until laws intervened. The birth of a girl child was considered a curse. Parents would pray that their child should not be born female. But now things have changed. Now a day’s parents pray that they should not have a male child because they can visualise the 2^nd innings of their life in dire-straits.

Who tells India has not evolved?

No complaints from my side…as I did not do it anytime. I have always given total independence to my wife to do whatever she likes. I have never trespassed into her independent space…may be from choosing me as her husband or naming the child (I gave her and her parents total independence of naming the child without my interference, wherein in India it is customary for the father to chose a name for the child!!!)….Are you thinking how good I am??…may be or may not be (for some who have never understood me) but I was not to prove a point but it is always the typical me. People have seen me changing and have named me bad and weird at times….I have never got into the good books of a few….can’t convince everyone in the life….but they would just be jealous of my goodness or do not have the heart to accept it. I have never seen anyone bad…though they would have hurt me to the worst…I have always seen them as different. In that case I consider myself more matured and those people blessed to have me in their life.

I have always tried to be genuine to any relation…parents, brother, in-laws, relatives of either side, wife, Son, students, friends…understanding everyone and their individual spaces…never tried to dominate over others territories nor have implemented my authority over anyone. I don’t claim I am a saint…but by heart…it comes naturally to me. It is good to admit our bad qualities…and I think it is not wrong to be proud of our good qualities…in this way we love ourselves and try to be human rather than being human being. I feel I am blessed to have understood the thin and thick differences between being human and human being…very earlier in my life. Thanks to the basics given by my parents…and thanks to myself for working better and better over myself keeping in race with time, age and maturity. As a human I have different emotions and I never expected anyone to follow them but I have always wanted people around me to understand me and my emotions as I am and accept me as such as I have doing with others.

I have always treated my wife as a friend…the best one with time…I have always shared the silliest of my emotions, views and thoughts more than with my parents…and have always felt good doing it. I never asked her if she is interested to hear what I have to say. It is not taking someone for granted…but from my vision it may be giving extraordinary importance to the most important person in your life. I always feel if you are a husband, you have a right and authority over your wife…just that…and more expectations. If the husband is also a friend…there will be authority with love, care…and more giving than expecting. I tried the 2^nd option as I always loved to be and I am successful on personal fronts. There are people who said I am not a better husband as I do not command and demand things…I just do not care…they have just been husbands in their life and really do not know what it means to be a friend to a wife and understand her every aspect. I also request all the wives who have husbands like me who are friendly to accept that you are blessed and try to value their nature. There may be people who misguide you but you do have your individual personality to know what’s good and bad…and also who’s good and bad. I have seen many cases and heard of even more many wherein a modern wife just remains a daughter for ever while the husbands are becoming better sons (only for in-laws). It is not wrong in any case…as everyone are independent to do what they feel but for this you do not need something called a Marriage…??? I may be wrong in exclusive cases but I am speaking about majority……

I am blessed to have a wife in whom I have seen and felt every relation that I have wanted to see…not being too selfish. I am also happy that I have given her even more than she would have expected of me…more happy moments…really happy ones…some odd ones (all couples have…no relation is perfect)…more over for not being a typical “Only Husband”

Now that she was off to her parents home and was anticipating a new life to add to our happiness…I too was doing the same staying away. While I was waiting for that new member of our family and life with the countdown timer on…I was missing her…really missing her during that period….

It was nothing less than “Waiting for one life” and “Missing one life” for me…both were important and the moments were filled with anxiety. She was far away on one side and my parents were far away on other side..though I was busy in teaching and clinics…I really felt that I was far away from everyone…really far…sometimes felt alone and let off…but I knew it was a short period of separation…only on the backdrop of a happy phase…a different chapter which was about to commence…..

I knew..”Addictions are dangerous…but not all…some give pleasure…like waiting for someone you love……..!!!”

The time rolled on….and on….and on……………………

September 2002, 9.00pm, after my dinner…I was restless and was tired due to a hectic day of work…desperately wanted a rest…I switched on the television and tuned to some music….

Just then there was a phone ring……

Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrinnnn……Trrrrrrrrinnnnnnnnn………..!!!

Episode 3: Anticipation of New Life (Part 3): Lessons from a father, Dreams for a son, “How to be a good father?”

We were happy being parents and in the process realised what it means to be in those shoes…We had watched these scenes only in the movies and rarely in the proximal circles of friends and relatives. It was really a thrilling experience to be called parents…of course the thrill and joy is getting fortified every moment thereafter as Abhi began to grow up crossing many milestones of his infancy and childhood.

All those concerned, eligible and authorized to know the good news were intimated, their wishes, greets, love, blessings, happy gestures, thrilling voices etc were exchanged in return.

After a brief span of celebrations, the other proceedings of the daily life…attending college (for teaching) and evening clinics resumed back…but the hangover surfaced by an unexplainable anxiety was on and would continue until a baby boy or girl would step into our lives to fortify our happiness.

Amidst all these new experiences I could see only one face constantly in front of my eyes wherever I stood or sat…My Father. For every kid his or her father is special…for me my father too…!!! My father was not only a father, but a friend, philosopher, guide, god, guard, hero and a strategist of my life. He was, is and will be my best Guru (teacher). I and Sudhi (my younger brother) learnt a lot from our mother who is supposed to be the first God in our lives. Our dad was not less than that. I would definitely not give such ranks as the lessons of life learnt from each one of them were unique and special. They were always the 2 pans of a balance standing in equilibrium, none less, none more.

My son Abhi with my Dad Seetharama Sastry at Hampi

Mother would definitely know every cell of her child, instinctively have knowledge of every activity of her child, guess every emotion of her child before it is expressed and will be there to answer every question of the child and to guard and support him or her at every juncture. But I am proud to have a father like mine who also had motherly instincts. There are some paternal responsibilities which need to be fulfilled by father alone. Many fathers either skip or ignore these as they are busy in the business of life. But my dad in spite of making a reasonable earning was also updated about us.

Seetharama Sastry…my father, is just another common man who has mixed human emotions few high, few low. He comes from a backdrop wherein he was a son of a respected Purohit (person conducting worships, rituals, ceremonies, functions etc for others to earn an earning) Narayana Sastry and a housewife Godavaramma. He had 2 brothers (he was the middle one) and a sister (elder). He was brought up between mixed fortunes and shades of life, had good education (Master of Arts in Hindi) and a petty job as he had to take up as a typist in PWD department very early in his life. The teenage meant for enjoying was sacrificed due to the demands from the family. With a small salary he managed to up-bring his sisters daughters and sons, their education, support his younger brother, take care of his widow mother, ride cycles for kilometres from home to job and almost everything like a phantom. Thus he was used to take care of a big family in the given worst of conditions.

My wife Manasa, Mom Prabha, son Abhi and Dad Seetharama Sastry

My mother, Surya Prabha supported him well in his good’s and bad’s. My dad pursued his higher studies after we were born, studying at midnights when we were asleep forgetting the world. Thus he managed to satisfy his urge to study. Apart from his job, he used to conduct tuitions for extra income. Though his income was from a few hundred’s graduating to a few thousands we always felt that we were sons of a king because we never knew how he managed to get the right things put in right places until we were matured enough to know how the family was managed. I am proud to tell that he (with my mother) did not make us realise at any point that things were out of reach for us. We got everything even before asking for it. He never said “NO”.

As a result we too learnt not to demand because you demand when denied, not when the best is kept at your disposal even before you ask for good. Gradually with maturity of age we even used to take a few days time to tell him when our school fees were announced and used to wait for his salary day, though he would have a backup plan. I do not have words to express my gratitude and I will be always be indebted to him.

My eyes get moist on recollecting those things. I wanted to carry these life lessons as a platform for up-bringing my son or daughter. I wanted to be a good father…as good as my father…and if possible even a step higher…and make my father feel happy. (I hope I am trying my best even today as Abhi is into his early teens and am happy to get better and better in the business of being a dad)

I just want to conclude by telling “Thank you Appa (Dad) for moulding me to whatever I am today, for my personality and giving me such wonderful and priceless lessons of being a good father, not by your words but by deeds and actions. Thanks for helping me to dream lot of good things for my son standing on the platform which you have laid. If I can be a good father or if I have my answers for the question… ‘How to be a good father?’…it is only because that you were a wonderful darling dad…Love you”