Episode 9: Lovely Moments with the New Born

Infants and kids are curious study elements for anybody. Who would not like to be in their company and especially when you are the parent and own the child?

The birth of the first child is always a wonderful and joyous moment for parents. They too are born as parents along with the child. Everything from lifting the child is a new experience.

New born babies and infants are astonishing creatures. They are new and have arrived fresh in the world. I always thing “What might be going in their mind when they land in the world and for a few days from then until something’s fall into the area of familiarity to them?” Probably they are angels descending into the world of aliens and demons. They know nothing and everything looks strange and horrible to them.

People tell that infants and kids don’t think because they can’t!! This is debatable. Ayurveda and ancient sciences tell that every new life incarnates with the deep hidden memories from the past along with its Karma (good’s and bad’s done in previous incarnation). They have a duty to do in this birth. In that sense these little beings know something in their souls and consciousness which we do not know. Probably the first few days they are struggling between faded memories of the past and the realities in front of their eyes. They keep crying and smiling for no reason and we think they are reacting to us. May be they are trying to tell us something which we could not understand!! Gradually they forget everything as they start getting familiar with us, start identifying and knowing us and its surrounds. And later we trim these lives as we want them to be.

I too had wonderful moments with my NBS (New Born Son) right from the moment I saw, heard, felt him. When I lifted him in my arms for the first time in the hospital, I felt he is familiar to me, maybe he too, the way he was quizzingly seeing me with innocent expressions.

I and my wife had some interactions once he slept. We of course congratulated each other for being the parents. I met the doctor who delivered my child when she came for rounds. The paediatric dietician gave some classes regarding feeding and other things. Specialists took turn to give us coaching regarding what to do and what not with the child. This is how the Doctors would train their clients. I can understand, after all I too am a doctor. Doing that was their duty as they were paid for that. It was for the good of parents.

A common man or traditional Indians would learn how things changed from the ancient times as related to child-birth, post-partum care of the child and many aspects. Things have really evolved. The traditional grandpa’s and grannies would not accept some of these modern trends. They feel that they are the best coaches with experience and they too take privilege to guide us. And why do we deny any thing which comes our way? They are all our good wishers.

But at the end we get a cocktail of the most modern and most primitive ideas.

Very difficult to handle if we are common folks!!! Lucky that we are Doctors!!! – We are Ayurvedic folks with lot of knowledge about modern trends of new-era medicine.

Since it was a normal delivery the concerned Doctor asked me to get anything which my wife Manasa wishes to eat as she was hungry and tired. “Masala Dosa” said she.

I got her Masala Dosa from a good restaurant in the neighbourhood of the hospital.

Within next few hours, with some advices, instructions, prescriptions and of course after handing over our child to us, we took discharge and leave from the hospital.

Experiments with NBS

Before the new born goes through milestones and picks a few toys in its hands, the child itself is a toy in our hands, a beautiful and delicate toy with life and emotions. But it takes a lot of time to understand and graduate these expressions. Taking care and upbringing of child is the toughest examination of our life, for parents.

The child is the best judge and will be marking us. Until the child speaks sentences and asks for what it wants or rejects things, everything is out of our imagination. We are just manipulating the little one according to our rules and regulations.

Rules keep adding to the list from those near and dear to us. If one tells “Give enough food for the child, it is essential for the child” the other person tells “Don’t over feed the child, it will not digest, it may vomit”. One tells “The child is crying because it is hungry” and the other “The child may be having tummy pain, don’t feed it, the child will be ok”. Grannies may even rush with home remedies. Many suggestions are given, especially to the mother and many things dictated regarding the feeding, potty cleaning, bathing, sleeping the child and many things along with many traditional restrictions for the mother.

That night was about the feeding experiments – Experiment one. My NBS was crying the whole night and my wife was trying to feed him. He again used to burst out when she kept him a little away from her proximity. He was recognising us and getting used to us, and we too. We did not sleep for the whole night but it was a pleasant experience. We were 3 instead of 2. From that day on we are always 3..a unit, a small but loving family.

The following day we experimented giving him a rinsing and my wife was slowly getting accustomed to handling him, hold and carry him and feed him. Being a mother too is a new experience; we will not know those emotions. She may be little wary from handling the child and may be confused regarding what is too soft and what is too harsh!!

After spending the initial lovely moments and a couple of days with my wife and son, I set out to Challakere, my place of work because I could not take a big leave from work, though I should have, I loved to!!!

My wife would have missed sending me but she being a professional too realised the necessity of me going back to work. I and she too knew that we would all be together sooner or later, after she could be able to travel with the child. It would take a couple of months time before that could happen.

But the only living being that would be unaware of my departure or missing me or rather would not bother if I am around or not was my NBS. It would take time for him to miss these things. If this is assumption, we never have researched regarding what the child may be thinking or missing at this initial phase of life???

I too missed leaving my NBC and wife behind, but my travel was inevitable. I did not tell or what my emotions were leaving them because I wanted my wife to handle this period with courage, transform herself into a perfect mother and not keep missing me.

I hugged my wife and son, bid bye to them. I also took leave from my in-laws and proceeded to the rickshaw stand. I had a heavy heart and controlled my tears because I knew that I would be missing some cute milestones of my son.

I waved my hand. The rickshaw stopped.

“Majestic bus stand” I said and sat in the auto rickshaw. The driver obliged and put his meter down. The meter started ticking and my heart beats too with a fast phase.

The rickshaw pierced the traffic and signals and headed towards the bus station…..

Pictures with courtesy (with thanks):

http://jgsla.org/articles/category/personal-news-and-information-about-our-members

http://www.clipartpanda.com/categories/mom-and-baby-whale-clipart

http://classroomclipart.com/clipart/Clipart/Baby.htm

http://www.certificatemaker.com/html/create_family.cfm

http://www.clipartbest.com/clipart-pc5XGAycB

http://www.1001freedownloads.com/free-clipart/funny-chick-cartoon-newborn-coming-out-from-the-egg-2

http://www.cliparthut.com/born-clipart.html

Written by

Dr Raghuram Y.S.

MD(Ay), Ayurvedic Rheumatology

Consultant Ayurvedic Physician

Speciality: Joint and Spine care

Bengaluru, Karnataka, India

Ph: +91-9480071422

Email: drraghuramys@gmail.com

Episode 5: Anticipation of New Life (Part 5): The story of my Marriage..

September 12 2002, 9.00pm, after my dinner…I was restless and was tired due to a hectic day of work…desperately wanted a rest…I switched on the television and tuned to some music….

Just then there was a phone ring……

Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrinnnn……Trrrrrrrrinnnnnnnnn………..!!!

I lifted the phone. My heart started thumping as I was intimated that my wife Manasa was taken to the hospital and she was in labour. I had to make arrangements for someone to take care of my home in my absence before leaving to Bengaluru. The least possibility was that I should be taking the early morning bus. On one side the happiness of becoming father in a few moments while on the other the heart was praying for a safe delivery and wellness of mother-kid duo. These were the duality that would carry until I reached the hospital to see my wife and kid.

I switched off the lights and tried to relax waiting for the sunrise but it will take its time. During such moments of anxiousness and tension the time always seems running casually…every moment looking like a year…hard to pass.

It looked like I had entered the institution of marriage recently…so quickly 2 years rolled by…and I could not wait to enter another institution of parenthood…which was of course a few moments away. The images and sweet memories of my wedding were still in front of my eyes as fresh as ever.

Yeah…I need to tell you the story of my marriage….

Long Long ago…not so long ago….April 2000…..

My parents were looking for a bride to get me pushed into the institution of marriage just because it was the right time to do so. I was teaching in the medical college at Challakere while practicing Ayurveda at the same place. Challakere is a small town in Chitradurga district of Karnataka State, India. Challakere is located between my native Bellary, now Ballari (100kms) and Bengaluru, the capital of Karnataka State (where my wife was to deliver our baby)…which was 200kms away. Her parents…my in-laws stayed at Bengaluru. In short I was sandwiched between my parents and in-laws..as allmost good sons alias good son-in-laws do in India…ha ha….not kidding…!!!

Generally it is customary in India that the bridegroom to be (would be) along with his family (and friends too) would announce a date on which they would be coming to see the bride to be to her parents. Generally the show-offs would take place at the girl’s home. This situation would be really the most embarrassing one ever in a girl’s life (and boy’s life too until he gets used to these travels with purpose). It is an extra-expenditure for the bride’s parents while a “just for a change” type of refreshment party for the boy’s family and a mandatory one because they have travelled so long to reach the destination. Even if both houses are in a city like Bengaluru where in travelling is a big deal it might change the mood of the boy by the time they reach the girls home and he may reject her with a dizzy brain in spite of having accepted her looks in a photo (of the girl and boy generally exchanged postally). Now a days the gadgets and pre-dating helps and makes the job of both parents easy as arranged marriages are getting endangered.

Since getting free time or leave from job is difficult now a days, these bride-home-visits will be mostly arranged on Sunday’s. Many times the boy has to make a check list and follow it. His parents would have planned to visit a couple of girl’s home before breakfast…a few more after deriving energy from breakfast. After finishing a few visits, they would have dinner at one of the girl’s home and after finishing with a couple more they would settle for evening snacks in another home. If the list is long enough they would return home filling their bellies post-dinner at the last-girl’s home. Then comes the selection part. The girl may be picked on the basis of marks allotted by each family member to the girl or on the likes of the boy if he is dominant factor or by a dip method…and the girl may also be rejected.

On the other hand the girl and family would have done the same…but the only difference being hosts for many visiting aspiring grooms and company. Someone of the girl’s family will be sitting by the side of the phone in anticipation of the results. If more than 1 boy gives a nod, the girl or her parents might take a call in selecting the best of the lot. Even today, the girl is not given the liberty of giving her opinion and has to go according to the boy’s approval or denial. But most of India has progressed….

But my case was reverse. I was supposed to be a busy person dealing college, clinic and personal life including cooking food and washing clothes. I was enjoying my bachelor life and have been residing in a rented house (big enough) for the past 2 years. Challakere belonged to my maternal grandpa who was actually instrumental in me joining the college as a lecturer for students who were a year or so younger than me and some too elder to call me “SIR”. I too had finished my basic Ayurveda education recently before graduating out. My parents were staying at Ballari as I had already said. A few yards away my maternal uncle and his family stayed at their own house. I preferred to stay independently due to my love for independence and I did not like to be a burden for another family immaterial of the proximity of relations. But my uncle and aunt treated me like their son. Occasionally I used to get a call from them to have a dinner with them and a mandatory command on holidays and festivals (if I did not go to my parent’s home)…and I was too good to refuse.

A couple of days back I was intimated that a girl called Manasa is coming all the way from Bengaluru with her parents to see me. I said that my case was reversal. We had invited them to come over to Challakere to the home I was residing in. I was also told that she was an Ayurvedic Doctor like me and had graduated that very month. I too was seeking a life partner from my profession for various reasons and that looked like coming true.

I finished the morning clinics (was practicing in a nearby village) and came back. It was Sunday. My parents too had come to Challakere a day earlier as the probable match-fixing was planned here. My maternal uncle and aunt too had come to make some preparations to welcome them and also to prepare lunch for the guests as it was planned. We were waiting for them and knew that they would come at any time. They were coming in a car from Bengaluru.

I sat on a chair near the main door and switched on the television to watch some songs. Just then a car halted in front of my home. My parents and maternal aunt went to the main door to welcome them. Dad signalled me that they have come. I looked at the main door. Manasa, her parents and her paternal uncle walked in.

I did not have a perfect glance at her. Little did I know that she would be my wife and I had to live with her in future…it would have been the same feeling on her side……..

She entered my home……..and probably it was the first sign of her entering my life…my heart…my soul…

She went inside along with her and my mother. My dad, her dad and uncle sat around me in the main hall. I had reduced the volume of the television and we were about to be introduced to each other. Probably her family would have had a perfect look at me as they passed through me as I had sat at the entrance.

My father called me “Raghu”….

I suddenly opened my eyes as the alarm rang…it was 4am…

I had to take a bath and head towards Bengaluru….My heart started pounding again..as I took my towel and went to take shower….

I have a short time to catch the bus friends…I will surely continue the story of my marriage later………

Bye for now……………..

Episode 4: Anticipation of New Life (Part 4): Waiting for one life and missing the other…

The wheel of time rolled on so fast. Manasa was at her parents’ home at Bengaluru. It is customary in India that the final few months before delivery should be spent by an anticipating mother at her parents’ home. It is not that the husband or his home cannot take care of her or not that her parents can take better care but it is more customary. The choice now a day’s more over depends on where the woman feels more comfortable to deliver her baby. Most of the Indian would-be-mother’s would prefer to be at their parents home rather than at husbands home because the customs and traditions have been inherited along with evolution. In one way it is also correct. There is no replacement for a father and mother and her home is a comfort zone where she feels more protected, more cared. She gets another chance to spend quality time with her parents and can get more rest, physically, mentally and all ways. At husbands place she is duty bound and she is driven by her internal forces to be mechanical, though nobody insists her to do so. The parents of the bride too gets to garnish and fertilize their old memories. Moreover the parents of the bride would consider it a honour to take their daughter home and send her back with the 3^rd generation.

Though the parents-in-law would have sincerely put their heels over head to be parently to their daughter-in-law and would have taken more care and would have provided better conditions than parents, when it comes to choices the women would still prefer her parents because the roots are connected to that part of relation. The toughest part even today (in modern India also) is for the Husband or Parents in law of the bride to convince her and her parents that they are no aliens. It is one of the life time projects of an Indian husband which will never be accomplished. He is busy in giving acid tests every now and then amidst all the circus of life.

As per Indian customs (may be everywhere in the world) the bride goes to the husbands home and makes it a home of hers. But India has changed a lot with evolution. Now too it is the same but the condition is that the home should be devoid of parents-in-law (law not applicable for the bride and her parents). The parents of the groom are now a day’s called “the forgotten and ignored tribe”. In India it was always that a girl child was not needed or aborted until laws intervened. The birth of a girl child was considered a curse. Parents would pray that their child should not be born female. But now things have changed. Now a day’s parents pray that they should not have a male child because they can visualise the 2^nd innings of their life in dire-straits.

Who tells India has not evolved?

No complaints from my side…as I did not do it anytime. I have always given total independence to my wife to do whatever she likes. I have never trespassed into her independent space…may be from choosing me as her husband or naming the child (I gave her and her parents total independence of naming the child without my interference, wherein in India it is customary for the father to chose a name for the child!!!)….Are you thinking how good I am??…may be or may not be (for some who have never understood me) but I was not to prove a point but it is always the typical me. People have seen me changing and have named me bad and weird at times….I have never got into the good books of a few….can’t convince everyone in the life….but they would just be jealous of my goodness or do not have the heart to accept it. I have never seen anyone bad…though they would have hurt me to the worst…I have always seen them as different. In that case I consider myself more matured and those people blessed to have me in their life.

I have always tried to be genuine to any relation…parents, brother, in-laws, relatives of either side, wife, Son, students, friends…understanding everyone and their individual spaces…never tried to dominate over others territories nor have implemented my authority over anyone. I don’t claim I am a saint…but by heart…it comes naturally to me. It is good to admit our bad qualities…and I think it is not wrong to be proud of our good qualities…in this way we love ourselves and try to be human rather than being human being. I feel I am blessed to have understood the thin and thick differences between being human and human being…very earlier in my life. Thanks to the basics given by my parents…and thanks to myself for working better and better over myself keeping in race with time, age and maturity. As a human I have different emotions and I never expected anyone to follow them but I have always wanted people around me to understand me and my emotions as I am and accept me as such as I have doing with others.

I have always treated my wife as a friend…the best one with time…I have always shared the silliest of my emotions, views and thoughts more than with my parents…and have always felt good doing it. I never asked her if she is interested to hear what I have to say. It is not taking someone for granted…but from my vision it may be giving extraordinary importance to the most important person in your life. I always feel if you are a husband, you have a right and authority over your wife…just that…and more expectations. If the husband is also a friend…there will be authority with love, care…and more giving than expecting. I tried the 2^nd option as I always loved to be and I am successful on personal fronts. There are people who said I am not a better husband as I do not command and demand things…I just do not care…they have just been husbands in their life and really do not know what it means to be a friend to a wife and understand her every aspect. I also request all the wives who have husbands like me who are friendly to accept that you are blessed and try to value their nature. There may be people who misguide you but you do have your individual personality to know what’s good and bad…and also who’s good and bad. I have seen many cases and heard of even more many wherein a modern wife just remains a daughter for ever while the husbands are becoming better sons (only for in-laws). It is not wrong in any case…as everyone are independent to do what they feel but for this you do not need something called a Marriage…??? I may be wrong in exclusive cases but I am speaking about majority……

I am blessed to have a wife in whom I have seen and felt every relation that I have wanted to see…not being too selfish. I am also happy that I have given her even more than she would have expected of me…more happy moments…really happy ones…some odd ones (all couples have…no relation is perfect)…more over for not being a typical “Only Husband”

Now that she was off to her parents home and was anticipating a new life to add to our happiness…I too was doing the same staying away. While I was waiting for that new member of our family and life with the countdown timer on…I was missing her…really missing her during that period….

It was nothing less than “Waiting for one life” and “Missing one life” for me…both were important and the moments were filled with anxiety. She was far away on one side and my parents were far away on other side..though I was busy in teaching and clinics…I really felt that I was far away from everyone…really far…sometimes felt alone and let off…but I knew it was a short period of separation…only on the backdrop of a happy phase…a different chapter which was about to commence…..

I knew..”Addictions are dangerous…but not all…some give pleasure…like waiting for someone you love……..!!!”

The time rolled on….and on….and on……………………

September 2002, 9.00pm, after my dinner…I was restless and was tired due to a hectic day of work…desperately wanted a rest…I switched on the television and tuned to some music….

Just then there was a phone ring……

Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrinnnn……Trrrrrrrrinnnnnnnnn………..!!!