Episode 9: Lovely Moments with the New Born

Infants and kids are curious study elements for anybody. Who would not like to be in their company and especially when you are the parent and own the child?

The birth of the first child is always a wonderful and joyous moment for parents. They too are born as parents along with the child. Everything from lifting the child is a new experience.

New born babies and infants are astonishing creatures. They are new and have arrived fresh in the world. I always thing “What might be going in their mind when they land in the world and for a few days from then until something’s fall into the area of familiarity to them?” Probably they are angels descending into the world of aliens and demons. They know nothing and everything looks strange and horrible to them.

People tell that infants and kids don’t think because they can’t!! This is debatable. Ayurveda and ancient sciences tell that every new life incarnates with the deep hidden memories from the past along with its Karma (good’s and bad’s done in previous incarnation). They have a duty to do in this birth. In that sense these little beings know something in their souls and consciousness which we do not know. Probably the first few days they are struggling between faded memories of the past and the realities in front of their eyes. They keep crying and smiling for no reason and we think they are reacting to us. May be they are trying to tell us something which we could not understand!! Gradually they forget everything as they start getting familiar with us, start identifying and knowing us and its surrounds. And later we trim these lives as we want them to be.

I too had wonderful moments with my NBS (New Born Son) right from the moment I saw, heard, felt him. When I lifted him in my arms for the first time in the hospital, I felt he is familiar to me, maybe he too, the way he was quizzingly seeing me with innocent expressions.

I and my wife had some interactions once he slept. We of course congratulated each other for being the parents. I met the doctor who delivered my child when she came for rounds. The paediatric dietician gave some classes regarding feeding and other things. Specialists took turn to give us coaching regarding what to do and what not with the child. This is how the Doctors would train their clients. I can understand, after all I too am a doctor. Doing that was their duty as they were paid for that. It was for the good of parents.

A common man or traditional Indians would learn how things changed from the ancient times as related to child-birth, post-partum care of the child and many aspects. Things have really evolved. The traditional grandpa’s and grannies would not accept some of these modern trends. They feel that they are the best coaches with experience and they too take privilege to guide us. And why do we deny any thing which comes our way? They are all our good wishers.

But at the end we get a cocktail of the most modern and most primitive ideas.

Very difficult to handle if we are common folks!!! Lucky that we are Doctors!!! – We are Ayurvedic folks with lot of knowledge about modern trends of new-era medicine.

Since it was a normal delivery the concerned Doctor asked me to get anything which my wife Manasa wishes to eat as she was hungry and tired. “Masala Dosa” said she.

I got her Masala Dosa from a good restaurant in the neighbourhood of the hospital.

Within next few hours, with some advices, instructions, prescriptions and of course after handing over our child to us, we took discharge and leave from the hospital.

Experiments with NBS

Before the new born goes through milestones and picks a few toys in its hands, the child itself is a toy in our hands, a beautiful and delicate toy with life and emotions. But it takes a lot of time to understand and graduate these expressions. Taking care and upbringing of child is the toughest examination of our life, for parents.

The child is the best judge and will be marking us. Until the child speaks sentences and asks for what it wants or rejects things, everything is out of our imagination. We are just manipulating the little one according to our rules and regulations.

Rules keep adding to the list from those near and dear to us. If one tells “Give enough food for the child, it is essential for the child” the other person tells “Don’t over feed the child, it will not digest, it may vomit”. One tells “The child is crying because it is hungry” and the other “The child may be having tummy pain, don’t feed it, the child will be ok”. Grannies may even rush with home remedies. Many suggestions are given, especially to the mother and many things dictated regarding the feeding, potty cleaning, bathing, sleeping the child and many things along with many traditional restrictions for the mother.

That night was about the feeding experiments – Experiment one. My NBS was crying the whole night and my wife was trying to feed him. He again used to burst out when she kept him a little away from her proximity. He was recognising us and getting used to us, and we too. We did not sleep for the whole night but it was a pleasant experience. We were 3 instead of 2. From that day on we are always 3..a unit, a small but loving family.

The following day we experimented giving him a rinsing and my wife was slowly getting accustomed to handling him, hold and carry him and feed him. Being a mother too is a new experience; we will not know those emotions. She may be little wary from handling the child and may be confused regarding what is too soft and what is too harsh!!

After spending the initial lovely moments and a couple of days with my wife and son, I set out to Challakere, my place of work because I could not take a big leave from work, though I should have, I loved to!!!

My wife would have missed sending me but she being a professional too realised the necessity of me going back to work. I and she too knew that we would all be together sooner or later, after she could be able to travel with the child. It would take a couple of months time before that could happen.

But the only living being that would be unaware of my departure or missing me or rather would not bother if I am around or not was my NBS. It would take time for him to miss these things. If this is assumption, we never have researched regarding what the child may be thinking or missing at this initial phase of life???

I too missed leaving my NBC and wife behind, but my travel was inevitable. I did not tell or what my emotions were leaving them because I wanted my wife to handle this period with courage, transform herself into a perfect mother and not keep missing me.

I hugged my wife and son, bid bye to them. I also took leave from my in-laws and proceeded to the rickshaw stand. I had a heavy heart and controlled my tears because I knew that I would be missing some cute milestones of my son.

I waved my hand. The rickshaw stopped.

“Majestic bus stand” I said and sat in the auto rickshaw. The driver obliged and put his meter down. The meter started ticking and my heart beats too with a fast phase.

The rickshaw pierced the traffic and signals and headed towards the bus station…..

Pictures with courtesy (with thanks):

http://jgsla.org/articles/category/personal-news-and-information-about-our-members

http://www.clipartpanda.com/categories/mom-and-baby-whale-clipart

http://classroomclipart.com/clipart/Clipart/Baby.htm

http://www.certificatemaker.com/html/create_family.cfm

http://www.clipartbest.com/clipart-pc5XGAycB

http://www.1001freedownloads.com/free-clipart/funny-chick-cartoon-newborn-coming-out-from-the-egg-2

http://www.cliparthut.com/born-clipart.html

Written by

Dr Raghuram Y.S.

MD(Ay), Ayurvedic Rheumatology

Consultant Ayurvedic Physician

Speciality: Joint and Spine care

Bengaluru, Karnataka, India

Ph: +91-9480071422

Email: drraghuramys@gmail.com

Episode 5: Anticipation of New Life (Part 5): The story of my Marriage..

September 12 2002, 9.00pm, after my dinner…I was restless and was tired due to a hectic day of work…desperately wanted a rest…I switched on the television and tuned to some music….

Just then there was a phone ring……

Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrinnnn……Trrrrrrrrinnnnnnnnn………..!!!

I lifted the phone. My heart started thumping as I was intimated that my wife Manasa was taken to the hospital and she was in labour. I had to make arrangements for someone to take care of my home in my absence before leaving to Bengaluru. The least possibility was that I should be taking the early morning bus. On one side the happiness of becoming father in a few moments while on the other the heart was praying for a safe delivery and wellness of mother-kid duo. These were the duality that would carry until I reached the hospital to see my wife and kid.

I switched off the lights and tried to relax waiting for the sunrise but it will take its time. During such moments of anxiousness and tension the time always seems running casually…every moment looking like a year…hard to pass.

It looked like I had entered the institution of marriage recently…so quickly 2 years rolled by…and I could not wait to enter another institution of parenthood…which was of course a few moments away. The images and sweet memories of my wedding were still in front of my eyes as fresh as ever.

Yeah…I need to tell you the story of my marriage….

Long Long ago…not so long ago….April 2000…..

My parents were looking for a bride to get me pushed into the institution of marriage just because it was the right time to do so. I was teaching in the medical college at Challakere while practicing Ayurveda at the same place. Challakere is a small town in Chitradurga district of Karnataka State, India. Challakere is located between my native Bellary, now Ballari (100kms) and Bengaluru, the capital of Karnataka State (where my wife was to deliver our baby)…which was 200kms away. Her parents…my in-laws stayed at Bengaluru. In short I was sandwiched between my parents and in-laws..as allmost good sons alias good son-in-laws do in India…ha ha….not kidding…!!!

Generally it is customary in India that the bridegroom to be (would be) along with his family (and friends too) would announce a date on which they would be coming to see the bride to be to her parents. Generally the show-offs would take place at the girl’s home. This situation would be really the most embarrassing one ever in a girl’s life (and boy’s life too until he gets used to these travels with purpose). It is an extra-expenditure for the bride’s parents while a “just for a change” type of refreshment party for the boy’s family and a mandatory one because they have travelled so long to reach the destination. Even if both houses are in a city like Bengaluru where in travelling is a big deal it might change the mood of the boy by the time they reach the girls home and he may reject her with a dizzy brain in spite of having accepted her looks in a photo (of the girl and boy generally exchanged postally). Now a days the gadgets and pre-dating helps and makes the job of both parents easy as arranged marriages are getting endangered.

Since getting free time or leave from job is difficult now a days, these bride-home-visits will be mostly arranged on Sunday’s. Many times the boy has to make a check list and follow it. His parents would have planned to visit a couple of girl’s home before breakfast…a few more after deriving energy from breakfast. After finishing a few visits, they would have dinner at one of the girl’s home and after finishing with a couple more they would settle for evening snacks in another home. If the list is long enough they would return home filling their bellies post-dinner at the last-girl’s home. Then comes the selection part. The girl may be picked on the basis of marks allotted by each family member to the girl or on the likes of the boy if he is dominant factor or by a dip method…and the girl may also be rejected.

On the other hand the girl and family would have done the same…but the only difference being hosts for many visiting aspiring grooms and company. Someone of the girl’s family will be sitting by the side of the phone in anticipation of the results. If more than 1 boy gives a nod, the girl or her parents might take a call in selecting the best of the lot. Even today, the girl is not given the liberty of giving her opinion and has to go according to the boy’s approval or denial. But most of India has progressed….

But my case was reverse. I was supposed to be a busy person dealing college, clinic and personal life including cooking food and washing clothes. I was enjoying my bachelor life and have been residing in a rented house (big enough) for the past 2 years. Challakere belonged to my maternal grandpa who was actually instrumental in me joining the college as a lecturer for students who were a year or so younger than me and some too elder to call me “SIR”. I too had finished my basic Ayurveda education recently before graduating out. My parents were staying at Ballari as I had already said. A few yards away my maternal uncle and his family stayed at their own house. I preferred to stay independently due to my love for independence and I did not like to be a burden for another family immaterial of the proximity of relations. But my uncle and aunt treated me like their son. Occasionally I used to get a call from them to have a dinner with them and a mandatory command on holidays and festivals (if I did not go to my parent’s home)…and I was too good to refuse.

A couple of days back I was intimated that a girl called Manasa is coming all the way from Bengaluru with her parents to see me. I said that my case was reversal. We had invited them to come over to Challakere to the home I was residing in. I was also told that she was an Ayurvedic Doctor like me and had graduated that very month. I too was seeking a life partner from my profession for various reasons and that looked like coming true.

I finished the morning clinics (was practicing in a nearby village) and came back. It was Sunday. My parents too had come to Challakere a day earlier as the probable match-fixing was planned here. My maternal uncle and aunt too had come to make some preparations to welcome them and also to prepare lunch for the guests as it was planned. We were waiting for them and knew that they would come at any time. They were coming in a car from Bengaluru.

I sat on a chair near the main door and switched on the television to watch some songs. Just then a car halted in front of my home. My parents and maternal aunt went to the main door to welcome them. Dad signalled me that they have come. I looked at the main door. Manasa, her parents and her paternal uncle walked in.

I did not have a perfect glance at her. Little did I know that she would be my wife and I had to live with her in future…it would have been the same feeling on her side……..

She entered my home……..and probably it was the first sign of her entering my life…my heart…my soul…

She went inside along with her and my mother. My dad, her dad and uncle sat around me in the main hall. I had reduced the volume of the television and we were about to be introduced to each other. Probably her family would have had a perfect look at me as they passed through me as I had sat at the entrance.

My father called me “Raghu”….

I suddenly opened my eyes as the alarm rang…it was 4am…

I had to take a bath and head towards Bengaluru….My heart started pounding again..as I took my towel and went to take shower….

I have a short time to catch the bus friends…I will surely continue the story of my marriage later………

Bye for now……………..

Episode 4: Anticipation of New Life (Part 4): Waiting for one life and missing the other…

The wheel of time rolled on so fast. Manasa was at her parents’ home at Bengaluru. It is customary in India that the final few months before delivery should be spent by an anticipating mother at her parents’ home. It is not that the husband or his home cannot take care of her or not that her parents can take better care but it is more customary. The choice now a day’s more over depends on where the woman feels more comfortable to deliver her baby. Most of the Indian would-be-mother’s would prefer to be at their parents home rather than at husbands home because the customs and traditions have been inherited along with evolution. In one way it is also correct. There is no replacement for a father and mother and her home is a comfort zone where she feels more protected, more cared. She gets another chance to spend quality time with her parents and can get more rest, physically, mentally and all ways. At husbands place she is duty bound and she is driven by her internal forces to be mechanical, though nobody insists her to do so. The parents of the bride too gets to garnish and fertilize their old memories. Moreover the parents of the bride would consider it a honour to take their daughter home and send her back with the 3^rd generation.

Though the parents-in-law would have sincerely put their heels over head to be parently to their daughter-in-law and would have taken more care and would have provided better conditions than parents, when it comes to choices the women would still prefer her parents because the roots are connected to that part of relation. The toughest part even today (in modern India also) is for the Husband or Parents in law of the bride to convince her and her parents that they are no aliens. It is one of the life time projects of an Indian husband which will never be accomplished. He is busy in giving acid tests every now and then amidst all the circus of life.

As per Indian customs (may be everywhere in the world) the bride goes to the husbands home and makes it a home of hers. But India has changed a lot with evolution. Now too it is the same but the condition is that the home should be devoid of parents-in-law (law not applicable for the bride and her parents). The parents of the groom are now a day’s called “the forgotten and ignored tribe”. In India it was always that a girl child was not needed or aborted until laws intervened. The birth of a girl child was considered a curse. Parents would pray that their child should not be born female. But now things have changed. Now a day’s parents pray that they should not have a male child because they can visualise the 2^nd innings of their life in dire-straits.

Who tells India has not evolved?

No complaints from my side…as I did not do it anytime. I have always given total independence to my wife to do whatever she likes. I have never trespassed into her independent space…may be from choosing me as her husband or naming the child (I gave her and her parents total independence of naming the child without my interference, wherein in India it is customary for the father to chose a name for the child!!!)….Are you thinking how good I am??…may be or may not be (for some who have never understood me) but I was not to prove a point but it is always the typical me. People have seen me changing and have named me bad and weird at times….I have never got into the good books of a few….can’t convince everyone in the life….but they would just be jealous of my goodness or do not have the heart to accept it. I have never seen anyone bad…though they would have hurt me to the worst…I have always seen them as different. In that case I consider myself more matured and those people blessed to have me in their life.

I have always tried to be genuine to any relation…parents, brother, in-laws, relatives of either side, wife, Son, students, friends…understanding everyone and their individual spaces…never tried to dominate over others territories nor have implemented my authority over anyone. I don’t claim I am a saint…but by heart…it comes naturally to me. It is good to admit our bad qualities…and I think it is not wrong to be proud of our good qualities…in this way we love ourselves and try to be human rather than being human being. I feel I am blessed to have understood the thin and thick differences between being human and human being…very earlier in my life. Thanks to the basics given by my parents…and thanks to myself for working better and better over myself keeping in race with time, age and maturity. As a human I have different emotions and I never expected anyone to follow them but I have always wanted people around me to understand me and my emotions as I am and accept me as such as I have doing with others.

I have always treated my wife as a friend…the best one with time…I have always shared the silliest of my emotions, views and thoughts more than with my parents…and have always felt good doing it. I never asked her if she is interested to hear what I have to say. It is not taking someone for granted…but from my vision it may be giving extraordinary importance to the most important person in your life. I always feel if you are a husband, you have a right and authority over your wife…just that…and more expectations. If the husband is also a friend…there will be authority with love, care…and more giving than expecting. I tried the 2^nd option as I always loved to be and I am successful on personal fronts. There are people who said I am not a better husband as I do not command and demand things…I just do not care…they have just been husbands in their life and really do not know what it means to be a friend to a wife and understand her every aspect. I also request all the wives who have husbands like me who are friendly to accept that you are blessed and try to value their nature. There may be people who misguide you but you do have your individual personality to know what’s good and bad…and also who’s good and bad. I have seen many cases and heard of even more many wherein a modern wife just remains a daughter for ever while the husbands are becoming better sons (only for in-laws). It is not wrong in any case…as everyone are independent to do what they feel but for this you do not need something called a Marriage…??? I may be wrong in exclusive cases but I am speaking about majority……

I am blessed to have a wife in whom I have seen and felt every relation that I have wanted to see…not being too selfish. I am also happy that I have given her even more than she would have expected of me…more happy moments…really happy ones…some odd ones (all couples have…no relation is perfect)…more over for not being a typical “Only Husband”

Now that she was off to her parents home and was anticipating a new life to add to our happiness…I too was doing the same staying away. While I was waiting for that new member of our family and life with the countdown timer on…I was missing her…really missing her during that period….

It was nothing less than “Waiting for one life” and “Missing one life” for me…both were important and the moments were filled with anxiety. She was far away on one side and my parents were far away on other side..though I was busy in teaching and clinics…I really felt that I was far away from everyone…really far…sometimes felt alone and let off…but I knew it was a short period of separation…only on the backdrop of a happy phase…a different chapter which was about to commence…..

I knew..”Addictions are dangerous…but not all…some give pleasure…like waiting for someone you love……..!!!”

The time rolled on….and on….and on……………………

September 2002, 9.00pm, after my dinner…I was restless and was tired due to a hectic day of work…desperately wanted a rest…I switched on the television and tuned to some music….

Just then there was a phone ring……

Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrinnnn……Trrrrrrrrinnnnnnnnn………..!!!

Episode 3: Anticipation of New Life (Part 3): Lessons from a father, Dreams for a son, “How to be a good father?”

We were happy being parents and in the process realised what it means to be in those shoes…We had watched these scenes only in the movies and rarely in the proximal circles of friends and relatives. It was really a thrilling experience to be called parents…of course the thrill and joy is getting fortified every moment thereafter as Abhi began to grow up crossing many milestones of his infancy and childhood.

All those concerned, eligible and authorized to know the good news were intimated, their wishes, greets, love, blessings, happy gestures, thrilling voices etc were exchanged in return.

After a brief span of celebrations, the other proceedings of the daily life…attending college (for teaching) and evening clinics resumed back…but the hangover surfaced by an unexplainable anxiety was on and would continue until a baby boy or girl would step into our lives to fortify our happiness.

Amidst all these new experiences I could see only one face constantly in front of my eyes wherever I stood or sat…My Father. For every kid his or her father is special…for me my father too…!!! My father was not only a father, but a friend, philosopher, guide, god, guard, hero and a strategist of my life. He was, is and will be my best Guru (teacher). I and Sudhi (my younger brother) learnt a lot from our mother who is supposed to be the first God in our lives. Our dad was not less than that. I would definitely not give such ranks as the lessons of life learnt from each one of them were unique and special. They were always the 2 pans of a balance standing in equilibrium, none less, none more.

My son Abhi with my Dad Seetharama Sastry at Hampi

Mother would definitely know every cell of her child, instinctively have knowledge of every activity of her child, guess every emotion of her child before it is expressed and will be there to answer every question of the child and to guard and support him or her at every juncture. But I am proud to have a father like mine who also had motherly instincts. There are some paternal responsibilities which need to be fulfilled by father alone. Many fathers either skip or ignore these as they are busy in the business of life. But my dad in spite of making a reasonable earning was also updated about us.

Seetharama Sastry…my father, is just another common man who has mixed human emotions few high, few low. He comes from a backdrop wherein he was a son of a respected Purohit (person conducting worships, rituals, ceremonies, functions etc for others to earn an earning) Narayana Sastry and a housewife Godavaramma. He had 2 brothers (he was the middle one) and a sister (elder). He was brought up between mixed fortunes and shades of life, had good education (Master of Arts in Hindi) and a petty job as he had to take up as a typist in PWD department very early in his life. The teenage meant for enjoying was sacrificed due to the demands from the family. With a small salary he managed to up-bring his sisters daughters and sons, their education, support his younger brother, take care of his widow mother, ride cycles for kilometres from home to job and almost everything like a phantom. Thus he was used to take care of a big family in the given worst of conditions.

My wife Manasa, Mom Prabha, son Abhi and Dad Seetharama Sastry

My mother, Surya Prabha supported him well in his good’s and bad’s. My dad pursued his higher studies after we were born, studying at midnights when we were asleep forgetting the world. Thus he managed to satisfy his urge to study. Apart from his job, he used to conduct tuitions for extra income. Though his income was from a few hundred’s graduating to a few thousands we always felt that we were sons of a king because we never knew how he managed to get the right things put in right places until we were matured enough to know how the family was managed. I am proud to tell that he (with my mother) did not make us realise at any point that things were out of reach for us. We got everything even before asking for it. He never said “NO”.

As a result we too learnt not to demand because you demand when denied, not when the best is kept at your disposal even before you ask for good. Gradually with maturity of age we even used to take a few days time to tell him when our school fees were announced and used to wait for his salary day, though he would have a backup plan. I do not have words to express my gratitude and I will be always be indebted to him.

My eyes get moist on recollecting those things. I wanted to carry these life lessons as a platform for up-bringing my son or daughter. I wanted to be a good father…as good as my father…and if possible even a step higher…and make my father feel happy. (I hope I am trying my best even today as Abhi is into his early teens and am happy to get better and better in the business of being a dad)

I just want to conclude by telling “Thank you Appa (Dad) for moulding me to whatever I am today, for my personality and giving me such wonderful and priceless lessons of being a good father, not by your words but by deeds and actions. Thanks for helping me to dream lot of good things for my son standing on the platform which you have laid. If I can be a good father or if I have my answers for the question… ‘How to be a good father?’…it is only because that you were a wonderful darling dad…Love you”

Episode 2: Anticipation of New Life (Part 2): “I would be a Father…Wow…What a feel!!!”…Everything that happened so suddenly…

A mother will feel thrilled by knowing that she is carrying a new life in her womb but a father will not feel anything less. He will be happy and proud to have expanded the family. So was I.

As all married couple we would have had a secret wish in our minds that a new life should be coming to fulfil our life. But we never discussed much about it. We never had questions like “When shall we plan to have a baby?” “Is it high time we had our child?” so on and so forth among us.

It was neither that we did not want to take the responsibility nor we were putting things off by few more months nor that we were not mentally ready to accept the sudden change which would come into our life and neither we were too casual about that issue. The strategy was that there was no exact strategy. By not discussing with each other I was sure that we both did not consider a child as a mere formality and a product of happily married life. Instead I thought that it was a pleasure and happiness which would give a different moulding to our responsibilities and a different dimension to our dreams and vision of seeing the life…and hope she too thought like that. We still do not know what each of us thought about having a child before it happened. But when it happened, it did changed our world.

But were we too anticipating something about a new life?

Not exactly, but we would have welcomed that pleasurable change…anytime…

Were the anticipations clear and expressed mutually among us?

Probably we were secretly waiting for something good to come our way….as there was no pressure from within or without to create something out of the blues….

Were the anticipations surfing towards the surface at the level of sub-consciousness?

Might be…there would have been a surfing divine message…but we were not sure that we heard it loud and clear…at least me…

Were our anticipations of a new life in our life progressing towards a sweet end?

Not anticipations…but the signs of a new life coming our way did open the flood gates of the waves of happiness…and we were waiting for a sweet climax…

Did we get a signal of arrival of new happiness in our home and life?

Everyone gets these signals…We too did…but everything seemed to happen so suddenly….

If you plan the happiness and anticipate….you know everything….and everything comes formally…

When the happiness comes as a surprise….it is a different thrill….

Everything that happened so suddenly:

We never knew that we would surprise all our family members with the good news that we would have a baby boy or girl in our family!!!

One noon when I was biologically (biochemically) checking out the possibility, myself trying to be a lab technician (we doctors sometimes try to be too intelligent and smart) I was thrilled and found myself in the skin of Archimedes…

Eureka…!!! I said to my wife….”I think that you are graduated towards being a mother now…!!!”

At the same time I was happy to have contributed equally towards the manufacture of a product (with life)….and was thrilled that the countdown for the product launch is a few months away…

All the dads in the world would have felt the same and all the expecting dads would feel the same thrill on knowing that they would be called ‘Father of a Child’

We just checked with a senior doctor Hari Prasad alias HP (name changed) in the known circle if the test really meant what it had to mean. We were looking anxiously at him and were expecting him to declare the same result what we had already known. Many times we double check something which we are damn assured and which we know by our mind, senses and soul assertively because the human mind does not show confirmed reactions and emotions when things come suddenly or surprisingly in its vicinity. It may be due to the clouding of consciousness as a result of anxiety resulting from a sudden and surprising news.

We would have experienced that it was hard to believe that we have secured the first rank in spite of the announcement being made. We are waiting for one of our friends or parents or teachers to re-confirm the news. When you get a lottery of a million rupees suddenly when you were least expecting your fortune stars to favour you, you would re-check the number million times and even ask one in your proximal circles to re-verify it. This happens even when the news is sad and you are not expecting it…like you would never believe that a best friend of yours has met with an accident or a closer relative has breathed his last even if the news has been conveyed directly to you.

All these things happen because the mind and consciousness gets clouded and jammed when things come suddenly to it. This happens during the transformation process when the information is being processed into a document form. We are in no position to give a desired reaction as per situation. Some even believe the contrary so strongly that they go into a shock or delirium where in they start believing and arguing on the things which are contrary to the fact.

Me: Doctor, we may appear silly and stupid but we wanted to double check with you if this test which yielded positive result means that we would be parents!!! We just checked it bit early..not very intentionally…

Dr KP: You both are doctors, why to recheck?

Me: Doctor, tell yes for our confirmation…!!!

Dr KP: Medically we generally do not have false positives…and if the test is done accurately you will not miss out on what you are anticipating…Ha Ha!!

Me: Do you mean….!!!

Dr KP: Yes….Congrats to both of you….

Me: Thank you Doctor…that’s just we wanted to hear before we declare it to our family and friends….

We came out of his room,,,,looked at each other…smiled…and said YESssssssssss!!! In a low tone being conscious of people around us….

“I would be a Father…Wow…What a feel!!!”…Everything that happened so suddenly…Seems unbelievable but why should we not believe it!!! It did not happen just like that…May be we would have not tried in anticipation or with plan…but the divine plan was on….!!!

We came home…congratulated and hugged each other…wished mutually and started giving calls to the family members to give them the “Indian Sweet News” which everyone wants to hear. Everyone were happy to know that they would be grandpa’s granny’s uncles and aunts…may be their anticipation was more than ours…as it happens in India…It is not a joke that we are thickly populated…we need to satisfy many…!!! Ha Ha

 

But at any part and corner of the globe…the arrival of a new life is a celebration…an unbound happiness without limits…a sweet waiting for the next generation…a time to knit dreams into various shapes…a fact that we are sufficiently grown up to take new responsibilities…a time to practice all the lessons that we have carried from our parents over the new moulds of our flesh and blood…

Next in Queue:

Episode 3: Anticipation of a new LIFE: Lessons from a Father, Dreams for a Son..”How to be a good Father?”

Episode 1: Anticipation of a new LIFE (Part 1) – A touch of Indian flavor

The birth of a child at a home is a big celebration and is almost a festival in our country INDIA. The events preceding the birth of a child is nothing less than that, but is rather garnished by moments of anticipation, anxiety, visualisations & preparations related to receiving the new life with joy.

The birth of the child is not only an event related only to the mother and father, it is related to an extensive circle comprising of families of both partners, their friends and if permitted their friends too. The interferences into the events leading to a child birth and thereafter extend between thin and thick lines of love, care, compassion, courtesy, coaching, embarrassment, fun, celebrations, rituals and many more…depends how we analyze it, enjoy or get fed of it.

Elements of Anticipation:

The Mother:

The mother definitely has the highest privilege of celebrating the anticipating moments of the arrival of her child.

No one celebrates these moments every moment like her.

Would I have a boy or a girl?

Would having a twin be handy?

How would I take up the new responsibility?

How does the new life make an impact on us?

A lot of puzzles going on in mind for the next few months…Lots of anxiety…already seeing the child playing in front of her….

Cant narrate a Mothers mind…Only she can tell what she feels…

The Father…

Yeah I need to speak for this poor guy…since I am one…though logically rich by having a virtuous child.

He is often a person who is stuck between the expressions of so many people in and around him that he can hardly express how it means being a father!!!

Many times all others become so important and their opinions matter so much that the father element starts feeling that he is an appointed clerk to make notes of what everyone feels and anticipates about the child, the list of priority wise works to be done to celebrate the event, the guest lists, wish lists so on and so forth.

 

Suddenly at a point of these events happening in and around him, with something’s brought to his vision and many things occurring as secret ventures when he remembers that he…actually he is the anticipating father…he feels proud and happy for creating the representative of the next generation. At the same time he is also waiting like a lone plant is a desert anticipating rain, for someone to identify him as the ‘would be father’ of the child to be born.

On the other hand many people flocking towards the anticipating mother making her look like a piece of jaggery attacked and fought upon by ants of various sizes claiming their legacy over it. All these people would rush towards the ‘would be mother’ to win the race of sharing their experiences of being a mother with the new one in the elite group.

They are also eager to dictate the rules and regulations the anticipating mother is likely to follow under strict vigilance in the days to come, the do’s and don’t’s she should memorize in quick time and many more mothering tips…to the level of making the women in question guilty of being a mother.

Many make the normal process of nature look like an inevitable disaster and the suggestions looking like disaster management lectures

Meanwhile the poor dad is pushed to the corner…no one considering even to wish him for being a father…chance for another partner in the combined effort to seriously feel guilty. Unluckily for him if he were not the first person to know that his wife is the mother of his child and had he not finished a small scale celebration by hugging and congratulating his wife and getting the returns…he is sure to miss out these golden moments because by the time the people would allow him to go to his wife…both would be devoid of energy to celebrate something in privacy.

The flocking mass of people also appear like a protected border between 2 countries called Husband and Wife..who are now considered as belonging to different worlds of creation…as if they are punished with isolation for being parents!!!

It is customary to wish the mother first….but folks do Wish the father also…especially if he is the first person to share the news…sometimes you may miss out on wishing a person who really deserves while trying to follow chronology…Mother is first…but Father never comes into the list doesn’t make any sense….!!!

The would be dad’s would be seriously thinking out of jealousy…”Man..Wish I would have been a mother” but being a mother is not everybody’s ball game. It is a blessed affair..a tough nut to crack…a selfless mission of carrying a body in a body, a mind in a mind, a soul in a soul, senses in senses and a life in a life…a pain experienced at bliss…Hats off to all the mothers…and its fair for us to be jealous…

These are funny events which are parts of anticipating and celebrating families…though they may not as a rule be a part of each and every family. Many families may celebrate the occasion secretly within the first circle, not making a pomp and show of a natural event. Nothing is wrong…everyone is independent…rather we belong to a country which took so much of pain to claim independent status.

The Others and really others (Relatives, Friends etc)

There are homes even today which are ruled by super-senior citizens of the like of grandpa’s grandma’s grand-uncles and aunts, so on and so forth who have equated the ritual of marriage to the expansion of family in the form of begetting a child by the newly married couple on top priority basis and graduate in the further years with a child or 2 depending on their beliefs of odd and even number superstitions in the name of “companion to the new child”.

Even before the poor mother has recovered from her labour pains and have enjoyed seeing the face of her bud, the proposals and even the names of the child’s would be brother or sister and the quantum theory of where the reproduction would come to a halt is put on her table for approval, including how many male children and how many female children would she have to manufacture (the later one being a rare of rarity options)

The folks of either sides of the couple (husbands family and wife’s family…most anxious friends and colleagues to follow) will be ready with a carried over question through generations and evolutions “Any special News?” right from the completion of first anniversary of marriage…Sorry folks…not 1 year…but after completion of 1 month…!!! This is very embarrassing situation for a boy or a girl who has freshly stepped into the institution of marriage and is on the verge of getting along with each other especially if it is an arranged marriage.

If the special news is not telecast on the family television sooner or later, we can find many suspicious faces hanging around with various shades of MCQ’s which can be estimated based on the reasoning capacity of the couple in question if they fall into high IQ category. The suspicion can even cross Grade IV level showing doubts over the reproducing capacities of either of the partners in question. The soft targets may also be orally interrogated.

The people may still embarrass even those who have converted their love into marriage with a fair amount of experience in pre-marital marital experiences of all sorts which is common now a days…the hide-and-seek form of understanding each other biologically, mentally ,emotionally and chemically.

The only people who would escape such embarrassment are those who have already graduated in gifting their families with a child from pre-marital attempts of getting along with each other though they might be a subject of different hate-games.

Lucky couples:

There are some lucky couple who have loving parents not meddling into lot of things including the where’s and what about’s of the child making factory and its dynamics. I and my wife Manasa would consider ourselves blessed for getting the licence and freedom to live for each other at the fullest before planning for expansion, from both sides of the family.

But the small signs of anticipation could be read here and there. Our families would have considered us too intellectual enough to take a call so as to when to go for an expansion or that we were on a definitive planning and would break the news sooner or later.

Since both of us were doctors the families probably sensed more responsibility from our side as we knew the dynamics, possibilities and probabilities of child bearing keeping in pace with time. Most of it was true but we were not on a definitive planning. We were just seeing and enjoying life as it presented to us.

But the anticipations on all sides would end sooner or later…and it was left out for us to take a call when to give the anticipations a sweet climax.

But were we too anticipating something about a new life?

Were the anticipations clear and expressed mutually among us?

Were the anticipations surfing towards the surface at the level of sub-consciousness?

Were our anticipations of a new life in our life progressing towards a sweet end?

Did we get a signal of arrival of new happiness in our home and life?

Well…I am going to answer all these questions…but you all need to hang on for some time until I catch you with more interesting stories…

See you all in Episode 2

Coming up: Episode 2: Anticipation of New Life (Part 2): “I would be a Father…Wow…What a feel!!!”…Everything that happened so suddenly…

ABHI & Me….Soul moments with the SUN (Son) of my universe

Dad Son Jugalbandi

Everyone in the world would love to write the story of their self or their own biographies at some point of life, Many others will be fortunate enough to have their biographies written by someone in their proximal circle…son, daughter, brother or a friend…

Though this is not a biopic…I consider myself fortunate and proud enough to be a rare father to document the soul moments and experiences with my son as he steps into the world of surging hormones…the world with unpredictable dimensions, dreams, temptations, aspirations, goals in vision…

As parents we have hardly kept the accounts of the childhood of our kids…that we suddenly feel it hard and difficult to see the waning innocence and surfing up of a beautiful adolescence…So quickly these kids grow up and make us desperately miss their childhood…

Would our parents too have felt the same when we were in the phase of trasition and transformation…???

If we interview our parents about their experiences with us as we kept traversing decade by decade…we would end up getting some contrasting stories about how easy or difficult we were with them to deal with…!!!

They too would have wanted our infancy to be longer than our childhood…and our childhood to continue for more number of years before they see us as adults….

But who has controlled time and tide?

As my son celebrates his 12^th birthday and will be entering the official teen circle next year…

Or may be due to the evolution as we see the new teenage to be the enthusiastic eights, naughty nines, tempting tens, explosive elevens and turnover twelves…he already is a modern day teen which we ignored to see or missed out seeing as the grown up or growing up is also a parents sweet baby who denies growing up in their vision…

I am happy with his growth as a multi dimensional personality and a smart little youngster with a boyish attitude, soul of a god and maturity of an adult….approximating my height ready to be fit into my shoes….when he will be more of a friend rather than a son….

But he has always been more of a friend than a son…

Abhi has been so mature that he never asked or demanded for anything…Even we as parents did everything reading his mind even before the idea of proposal was surfed…

Not making a selfish statement….but am happy that I and Manasa are making better parents to him…and proud of holding on to the basics of parenthood inherited in our blood stream via our parents lineage….

Hope we end up our campaign giving Abhi good basics in transforming him into a responsible adult and a good future parent…

New dress…some gifts…chocolates…Cakes…party…fun…balloons…books…everything will be a part of his birthday this time too…But I thought what different I can do for him…at the same time for myself…which will keep the bonding of hearts go stronger?

Got an instinctive idea…out of heart and soul….

They tell that mothers know their kids better than fathers…but some fathers too know their kids and feel them everywhere, everytime…and I am not wrong when I claim that I am one such father…

Kids share almost everything with mothers…may be Abhi too…Its natural…No complaints…

I admit that I have not trespassed into Abhi’s privacy nor between that divine mother-son relation, but still have a thorough knowledge of his soul and senses…have always tried to study him and valued him as per his individuality…

I thought I will gift him something valuable…which he will relish for the rest of the life…he will learn what it needs to be a good father…which he will carry on and inherit to the generation next…

I know Abhi loves stories and especially when I tell him some story he will enter into the skin of the characters in it…we always have enjoyed the bedtime story sessions…

I thought “Why don’t I write a story for him….His own story…from my vision?…a story of a soul-connection between a son and a father…a story of what a father dreams and feels for his son…a story of emotional bonding which every father wants to tell his son or daughter….a story which probably every father misses out telling his kid with passage of time…a story which every kid is not totally aware about…?”

Our memories fade out with time and our expression will get jammed and stammered…so much so that we may feel hard to tell our kids how much we did care…how much we still care and how much we keep loving them….or they might feel short of time to listen and understand…

I am not telling the signs of futuristic insecurities which will creep up with age…I am meaning to tell the right things in right times…We may miss out on our dear ones especially kids and we call it generation gap many times but I feel that it is the failure of expressing true emotions when it really matters…

Here comes the story of the SUN OF MY UNIVERSE…my son Abhi…(& me)…in episodic form…

All I wanted to tell and want to tell my prince…Write down what he really understood about me and where he missed out getting me right…Pen down the moments which really meant heavens to both of us…Express all those missed out emotions and expressions….All I want him to know from time to time…

A “Dad-Son” biography….I will call it “HAPPY and I…TALES OF ABHI”

I dedicate this story to my father and his upbringing of me amidst all odds…and to all the caring and loving fathers of the world….

Hope you will enjoy reading Abhi and me in the episodes to come…Watch out…..

Happy Birthday Abhi….Appu…Love you

Yours loving Dad

Coming up: EPISODE 1: Anticipation of a new LIFE